Bring On The World!

There may still be leaves on the trees, but hockey is back!



The World Cup of Hockey 2004 is on... And the highly anticipated game between Canada and the United States has just wrapped up with the Boys from the Great White North edging out the Yanks by a score of 2 to 1. This puts Canada in first place (for now) in the North American Pool, while Sweden and Finland, long-time hockey powerhouses, are tied for first in the European Pool.



As a Canadian, it was a thrill to see Canada beat the U.S. for the gold medal in the last Winter Olympics, and that feeling came rushing back tonight... It almost eases the pain of only securing 12 medals in Athens while the States dominated with 103. But enough about such silly things... Let's talk hockey!



Canada took to the ice tonight in replica vintage jerseys in honor of the Winnipeg Falcons, the first Canadian gold medalists in 1920 at Antwerp, Belgium. The uncharacteristic yellow trimmed in black was in stark contrast to the beloved red-and-white, but it did serve the purpose of reminding us of our past and where the great sport of hockey was born.



Martin St. Louis, the bane of the red hot Calgary Flames in last season's Stanley Cup nail-biter, opened the scoring for Canada with just 4 minutes left in the first period, and Joe Sakic made it 2-0 just 3 minutes into the second. The U.S. finally managed to make it onto the board halfway through the second, thanks to Bill Guerin, and, while it did ignite the team, it proved to be too little too late.



Both goalies made outstanding saves to keep the scores low and the match close, with Robert Esche for the U.S. showing off near-acrobatic maneuvers in his crease.



Canada can enjoy this victory, but only for a short time as they face Slovakia tomorrow night. But enjoy it we will!

My Inner Child is a Nerd

Okay... When people you are sure never read your blog start commenting that you haven't been blogging in a while, it's time to shake off the cobwebs and get back to it...



I'd love to be able to say that I have been so incredibly busy with my jet-set lifestyle and edge-of-your-seat adventures that I haven't been able to spare the briefest moment to regale you all with the tales... But most of you know me personally and would slap me for lying!



Actually, we (my girlfriend, I, and our kids) all got away two weekends ago for our Last Get-Away of the Summer. If you can believe it, we all went to a Bed and Breakfast in the Rocky Mountains! I know, you're looking back over the last couple sentences to see if you read that right. Yep... I said "kids" and "Bed and Breakfast". Yes, people usually go to those kinds of places for quite, romantic weekends together, but it was a nice treat for the kids. We had the entire place to ourselves, too, so we weren't worried about spoiling anyone else's "quite, romantic weekend together" either. All in all, despite the fact that my girlfriend was still suffering from the bite on her, er, posterior (self-control, be respectful, self-control, be respectful, self-control...) and I was in a sour mood about nothing in particular, everyone had a pretty good time.



Of course, that only covers three days out of the 14 that it has been since I last posted. So, what else have I been doing? Why, I've been getting back in touch with my inner geek, that's what! You see, every now and then, I get this uncontrollable urge to do something with my computer. Once I had to configure it to support 4 monitors... Not because I needed it to, just because I thought it would be cool to say I did it. Nobody's said, "Hey, cool!" to that story yet, so I'm still undecided whether or not that was a waste of time... Another time I set it up so that I could watch the movies on my hard drive on a TV in a totally different room, without the use of wires or cables. I'm talking about 2.4GHz wireless video broadcast, baby! Oh yeah! With an FM remote control, no less! Full PC control on a 27" TV up to 100' away... I'm getting a little excited just remembering it! Well, as I said, the urge hit me again...



This time I was determined to get my HP Palmtop Computer working again. It's an ancient precursor to the PDA's every self-respecting geek either owns or covets nowadays... It's just bigger, bulkier, slower, less powerful, and, well, completely useless. But that's besides the point! I wanted it hooked up again! So, I set about reattaching the cables and installing the software.



I won't bore you with the details... And don't say that it's too late! Suffice it to say that, in the end, the only way I was able to get the thing connected to my desktop PC was by attaching it to another machine on my home network, then using a Remote Terminal program to access that second machine from my own. Sigh. Tedious, and it consumed a good number of evenings, but it's done. Now, I can Blog-On-The-Go and dump the text when I get home! More realistically, though... It'll probably sit on my desk for 2 months before I dig it out from under a pile of papers and pack it back in the box.



On the bright side, my inner geek has been satisfied once again... So, until it raises its nerdy head again, I'm free to live the life of a normal, healthy, 33 year-old guy with a blog.



All is right with the world.

Photo of the Week: Killer Sunset

Our tour group watches as three Killer Whales swim into the sunset... The perfect end to the perfect day!
Posted by Hello

Friday the 13th and the Awful, Awful Ass-Bite

(This blog makes prolific use off the word "ass". If this word offends you in any way I suggest you stop reading now. Alternately, you could substitute another word of your choice for each occurrence of the word "ass"... which may or may not add to the comedic effect, depending on your choice. In any case, reader discretion is advised...)



I've never really been a believer in the whole "Friday the Thirteenth" thing, but this happened on that day, so I might as well work that angle...



I got a phone message at work to call my girlfriend. "She's been bit on the ass," they said. Well, actually, they only told me it was an emergency, but that's what the emergency turned out to be. Yep, she had been driving along, doing errands, when she was suddenly bit on the ass. Pretty hard to picture, considering she was sitting on her ass (usually the most comfortable way to drive), but it happened. In fact, even as she slammed the van into park in the middle of traffic and jumped from the vehicle, she continued to get bit on the ass. Whatever it was really didn't want to let go... of her ass!



By the time I had her on the phone, she was already in a Walk-In Medical Clinic. She had bravely managed to rip the creature from her ass and fling it as far away from herself as she could. What was it? Well, I guess we'll never know... She didn't exactly stop to examine the attacker. Actually, knowing how terrified she is of bugs, I was amazed to hear that she had grabbed the thing at all! They say that a mother will get the super-human strength needed to pull a car off her trapped child... Well, I guess that is also true of the super-human courage she needed to rip a bug from her ass. Anyway, she managed to collect herself enough to get to the clinic before the pain became unbearable.



The doctor on duty said he had seen bee stings, hornet stings, and spider bites, but nothing like the bite on my girlfriend's ass. Not exactly the most comforting thing to hear from a doctor, really... So, they decided to transfer her to the ER at the hospital, which is about all she had time to tell me before she hung up and turned off her cell. Which hospital, you might ask? Yeah, that's pretty much what was going through my head too. Well, that and, "She got bit on the ass!"



Calgary only has 3 major hospitals, so it didn't take long for me to track her down, and not much longer than that to convince my boss I'd need the rest of the day off. So, before long, I was strolling into the Emergency Room of the Foothills Hospital, like a knight in shining armor, looking for the girl with the bug-bite on her ass. I was told that she had already been looked at (I guess arriving at the ER in an ambulance puts you on the short-list to be seen) and was now in Minor Treatment. I found out this was the place where they do stitches and minor surgeries. Damn! How big was that bug anyway? This is Canada, after all, not Australia!



I followed the green arrows painted on the floor and eventually found my girlfriend. There she sat, in the waiting room of Minor Treatment, looking about as miserable as a person can. She was in a wheelchair, being too light-headed from the pain and the venom (Venom?!? What the hell?) to walk on her own. She had an ice-pack wedged between her ass and the back of chair and a rapidly growing pile of used tissues beside her. She looked like she was having about as much fun as the old lady with the mysterious brown paper bag on her lap, or the old man with one leg and a bleeding head wound... This was quite the party I had stumbled upon!



I tried to give her a hug, but found out rather quickly that any movement was excrutiating for her, so instead sat beside her and her pile of tissues, waiting for the nurse to call her name. She had been there for an hour already.



We did the usual Hospital Waiting Room Routine... We watched some TV, perused the terrible selection of magazines, read the educational posters on the wall, and eventually settled into that empty stare that always claims you in the end.



The minutes dragged by...



In an effort to break the boredom, I decided a little bathroom break was in order. I was only gone about 3 minutes but, when I came back, she had been taken in. It figures! And they wouldn't let me go in with her because the location of the wound was "too embarrassing". No kidding it was embarrassing! It was on her ass! But didn't they know I was her boyfriend? Apparently that didn't matter... Back to the Waiting Room with me.



Round Two.



It was difficult to sit and wait the first time, but at least we had been together. Now, there I was, out in the Waiting Room with a growing crowd of sick and injured people, completely unaware of what was going on with my girlfriend or how long she would be in there. A couple times I tried to get in to see her, but was turned away by the nurse. Bitch.



The minutes dragged into hours. The chair I had now was right beside the TV, so I could hear it but not see it. Frustrating. A couple of times I actually left the building, walked around the grounds, and read some of the memorial plaques posted around the place. Every time I returned, though, it was like I had never left. Everyone was in the exact same position, with the exact same blank stares, and the only open chair was the one beside the TV. Damn.



As the life was being sucked out of me and I feared we would never leave that hospital again, I notice an interesting phenomenon... Little signs all over the place telling me how long I could do certain things... "Loading Zone: 5 min. Max."... "Courtesy Telephone, please keep all calls under 2 minutes"... They were telling me that I must perform whatever actions I was going to perform in periods of time measured in single-digit minutes. They, on the other hand (judging from my wait thus far), would allow themselves unlimited hours to do whatever they needed to do. Control freaks! I actually think it's an elaborate head game. They torture you each and every time you visit so that the next time you hurt yourself, you ask yourself, "Do I really need to go to the ER? Maybe if I just stay off this broken leg for a while..." After all, you can always sit around your own house in pain, listening to the TV, right?



In the end (for once in this blog, not a reference to my girlfriend's bitten ass), they had to make an inch long incision along the already 3/4 inch bite, flush out the venom, and ensure no piece of the bug was actually still in her ass. So, 6 hours and 3 stitches later, we were finally set free. They never did figure out what it was that bit her, and she vows to never drive that van again, but at least the worst is over. Now, she can get on with the healing and look forward to May 2005 which is, yep, you guessed it, the next Friday the Thirteenth...

Analyze This: The Shower

Put on your psychiatrist hats, boys and girls... It's time to figure out the inner workings of a Caffeinated Mind with a new feature I call Analyze This. I'm going to describe for you one of my recent dreams, then let you offer your deepest insights into the meaning (or meaninglessness) of said dream. Are you ready? Too bad, here we go anyway...



As with most of my dreams, this one seemed to start off in the middle of the story instead of the beginning. I found myself in my house, but not my house... You know, it's not the house I live in, nor one I have ever lived in, but in the dream it was my house. For some reason, there were lots of people there, too... Mostly family, but a few strangers as well. It felt as though all these people were visiting us ("us" being my immediate family, you understand). It was about mid-morning and I knew that I would have to rush if I wanted to beat everyone to the shower. So, grabbing a towel that I knew was too small, I made a dash for the bathroom.



Now, here is where it gets weird... As I undressed for the shower, I noticed my face laying on the counter. My face! There it was, eyes open, just staring at the bathroom ceiling! I wasn't the least bit alarmed, however... I simply looked at it, noticed a pimple on one cheek, and wondered if I should get rid of it now, or once I put my face back on. It was like seeing my watch on the counter and wondering if I should set it now, or after I put it on. But did I mention it was my face?!?



Without a second thought for my face, I turned to the shower. I pulled back the sliding glass door and reached in to turn on the water. That was when I noticed a problem... The walls of the shower were covered with what looked like thousands of hairs. Now, finding a hair or two stuck to the shower wall isn't that uncommon... But thousands? And these hairs were moving! I decided they must be bugs and proceeded to rinse them off the walls and down the drain.



Once the walls were hair/bug-free, I figured it would be a good idea to scrub the walls, just to make sure there wouldn't be a re-infestation. So, I got to work with a sponge and some of that gritty cleanser. It was about this time that I noticed another person in the bathroom, scrubbing along right beside me. I can't say for sure who it was, but it may have been Roseanne (Roseanne Barr, Roseanne Arnold, Just Roseanne...). Anyway, she just kept scrubbing away without saying a word to me, so I did likewise.



As I began wiping down the back wall of the shower, I noticed that there was a small gap between it and the wall of the bathroom. The longer I looked at this gap, the larger it became. Soon, I could see that the shower was actually built inside an old abandoned jacuzzi. There were even a few children's swim toys laying around and a small ladder for getting in and out of the hot tub. It was at this time that my girlfriend came walking out from behind the shower to stand beside me. I pointed out that our shower was actually built inside a jacuzzi, just in case she didn't notice as she walked through it. She just shrugged as if to say, "Yeah, I know." I told her that I thought we should just tear out the shower and renovate the hot tub, to which she laughed. Apparently, it had been decided long ago that this plan was a waste of time and money. I was disappointed until I remembered another jacuzzi elsewhere in the house that wasn't being used.



Now, I have to interrupt the dream here to explain that I dream of this "second jacuzzi" a lot. Usually, it is part of a very fancy bathroom just off a fern-lined, glass-enclosed mezzanine in a part of my house I seldom go to. Not that I have a place like that in my real house, mind you, but it exists in almost every home I occupy in my dreams.



In this dream, the fancy bathroom was run down and out of service, but I couldn't see a reason to leave it like that. We could have our Shower-in-a-Jacuzzi and a jacuzzi too! What a wonderful idea!



And that's when I woke up.



Now, I have a few theories about the meanings behind some parts of this dream, but I'd like to hear what you think. So... Analyze This!

All Aboard the Anti-Social Express!

Lately, I've been joining "the masses" by taking public transit to work. Yep... I'm riding the bus.



Now I begin everyday with a "jog" to the bus stop that leaves me winded, only to stand around waiting for that 5 minutes that feels like an hour with three other people who take turns staring at their shoes, leaning out and looking up the street for the bus, then glancing at the watches they glanced at 20 seconds ago...



Stare, lean, glance... Stare, lean, glance... Ad nauseum.



When the promised chariot finally arrives, my stop-mates scramble and jockey for position at the precise spot they think the driver will stop. We can all see the dozens of people aboard who are forced to stand, but it's like these 3 are sure someone has overlooked the last seat and they must get to it! I let them pile on ahead of me, then proceed up the stairs where I almost run over one of them as he stands beside the driver, digging desperately in his pockets for "exact change". It's hard not to smile as I pass him.



As predicted, there is no Last Seat and I, too, am forced to stand in the aisle, swaying with every turn and bracing for every hard acceleration and even harder brake. I know this is the only real entertainment that the bus driver gets in his day, so I don't let it bother me. However, the guy beside me with his armpit mashed against my ear can get annoying real fast! A shower and a clean shirt are good, but a sweat-stained jacket totally defeats the cause. If only I could reach a window...



I've noticed that the bus is a very strange social situation in and of itself. 50 or 60 people all packed into a relatively small space for anywhere from 15 minutes to half and hour and, aside from the noise of the engine, you could hear a pin drop. No one is talking! Where else does this happen? Nowhere! You go to the Supermarket, people are talking up and down the aisles... You go to the park and people are laughing, shouting, making noise... Even in church you find people whispering among the pews! Come to think of it, librarians must be awfully envious of bus drivers...



Occasionally, there will be one talker on the bus... He'll be sitting near the front, saying, "Hello!" as each rider gets on, and trying to make small-talk in much too loud of a voice to anyone who will make eye contact. Which is usually nobody. Anywhere else, this man is considered "polite", "friendly", or "pleasant"... In here, however, he is "weird", "crazy", or "creepy"... You can actually see everybody around him trying to do their best chameleon impression and just blend in with their surroundings. Maybe he's like a T-Rex and if you just hold really still...



To me, a bus ride is the polar opposite of a High School dance. You go because you have to, not because you want to... The wallflowers are the Lords and Ladies of this event, while the loud, outgoing types are shunned and ignored... And there's no fruit punch to spike with vodka. Although, if there were, maybe I wouldn't have had to write this blog!