Brangelina Fever

Oooo! Get ready to wet yourself with uncontainable excitement... Brad and Angelina have officially arrived in Calgary!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

It's true, folks... Hollywood's most talked about couple is here, getting ready to shoot Pitt's latest movie, "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford". Well, only Brad is here for the movie... Angelina's motives for coming along are, as yet, unstated, but I'm sure you can jump to the same conclusions everyone else has.

To be honest with you, I can't really see what the big deal is. Calgary already has a well-established relationship with Tinseltown, and we've definitely seen our fair share of celebrities over the years. My recollection goes as far back as Stephen J. Cannell's "Stingray" and the lack-luster "Superman 3" in the mid 80's, but there have been many more in the years since: "The Edge" (with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins), "Unforgiven" (with Clint Eastwood), and "Legends of the Fall" (starring none other than Brad Pitt himself) to name a few. Throw in a handful of TV series like "Lonesome Dove", "North of 60", "Viper", and "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" and you can see why I'm not exactly star-struck by this latest visit.

Still, it would seem that this attitude puts me in the minority these days. The local media has been priming the public for this Visit from the Stars for a little while now. One newspaper has gone so far as to offer $350,000 to the first person who can provide a photograph of Brad and Angelina kissing! Can you believe that? It’s ridiculous! We’re actually being encouraged to turn ourselves into the same paparazzi that actors and actresses are so glad to get away from by coming here... Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

Even the Calgary Herald, our supposedly non-tabloid newspaper, seems to have lost it in light of the recent Brangelina Invasion... This morning's front page shows "First Photos of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Calgary" with the accompanying article proclaiming, "Brad Pitt is officially one of us."

What?!?

Somehow, we are led to believe that, since he has shown a desire to eat and/or drink outside of his hotel room, Mr. Pitt now considers himself a Calgarian. These are the things, after all, that set us apart from the rest of the savages in this world... Right? Seriously, until I see Brad suiting up to practice with the Flames or pushing a shopping cart through Wal-Mart, I don’t think I'll be considering him "one of us".

I'm sure I could go on with this rant, but what's the point? Besides, I have to go make sure the memory card on my camera is empty... Rational or not, $350,000 buys a lot of coffee!

"Tide To Go" Weekend Update

Just in case my glowing review wasn't enough to convince you, here's a few more things that Tide To Go has been proven effective on:

-ketchup on white blouse
-chocolate ice cream on white pants
-root beer ice cream on beige cargo pants

That last one was mine.

You should have seen the looks we got as we sat out front of the My Favorite Ice Cream Shoppe, methodically erasing the drippings that fell from our cones. We've practically become walking advertisements!

I should find out who the Ad Agency for this little pen is...

GTA Didn't Make You Do a Damn Thing

By the time I was old enough to count I'd already seen Daffy Duck's beak blown to the back of his head by a point-blank shotgun blast more times than I could count. Not to mention the number of times I saw Wile E. Coyote squashed into an accordion by a falling boulder... Or witnessed Foghorn Leghorn lose every feather on his body to a TNT explosion. And, funny enough, the majority of these near-fatalities were caused, directly or indirectly, by "The Good Guys"... Elmer Fudd, the Road Runner, and the Dog.

Did this give my 5-year old brain the impression that doing this type of damage to each other was okay, or even acceptable? Did I suffer Temporary Insanity by way of Loonie Tunes?

Not bloody likely.

Then came my not-so-brief love affair with arcade games. Sure, I was raised in the relatively tame era of Asteroids, Pac-Man, and Dig Dug, but I eventually evolved along with the rest of the world. Some of my favorite games became the driving ones, like Cruisin' USA, where I could put the pedal to the metal and fly down the interstate with reckless abandon. What's that? Oncoming traffic? Bah! No big deal for a daredevil like myself! And who cares how many cars I destroy along the way anyway? And the shooting games! Yeah... I loved any game with a little plastic gun tethered to it. I played some of them so many times that I knew where every target (be it a robber, a cop, or an alien) would pop out and I could pick them off with a nice, clean head-shot. I took great pride in the fact that my arm and wrist would give out long before my quarters would.

But I didn't take my need for speed to the real streets... I've never once believed I could drive through rush hour traffic at top speed just because I could do it in an arcade. Nor have I ever gone on a shooting rampage. In fact, I've never even fired a real gun... I have no urge to what-so-ever.

So, it should come as no surprise that I can't understand how Devin Moore from Alabama thought for two seconds that he could blame his senseless killing of three police officers on the Grand Theft Auto game series. I'll freely admit that the games are ultra-violent and not suitable for children... I know because I play them. But to say that they influenced you into killing cops in the real world is just retarded. Who are you kidding? The most influence those games are going to exert over a person is to compel them to stay up playing all night then call into work sick so they can keep right on going. Go out and kill someone? Bah! That would mean getting out of Mom's basement...

You know, I'll bet it wasn't even this kid's idea to cop the plea in the first place. It was probably his court-appointed lawyer, looking to make more of this case than there was in order to springboard his pathetic career. Maybe this guy is suffering from temporary insanity, brought on by watching too many courtroom dramas.

"Your Honor, I'd like to cite Ben Matlock in the case of The State of Georgia vs. The One-Armed Hillbilly Bandit..."

Photo of the Week: Emerald Flame

Found in Parksville, BC while beachcombing.
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And Now, A Word From Somebody Else's Sponsor...

I don't normally plug new products, but this time I couldn't resist.

Have you seen the "Tide To Go" commercial where the woman is about to take the podium at a huge lecture when, just offstage, she spills something on her blouse? Well, she whips out this little orange pen and scribbles on the stain. In seconds, the stain is gone and all she has to do is quickly fan the spot dry. With not a moment to spare, she is introduced and walks out, full of confidence in her appearance.

Wow. Amazing.

In the last 15 years or so, we've been practically inundated with OxyClean and Didi-7 ads, so I didn't give this one much notice, to tell you the truth. However, earlier this evening, I had the perfect opportunity to put that little orange pen to work.

As background to this testimonial, I need to tell you a little about my girlfriend first. You see, she has a bit of a spilling problem, so to speak. I can't even begin to count the number of times we've been out at a restaurant when she has looked down at her blouse and cursed. Not that she can be held accountable, mind you... You see, there are factors that conspire against her.

For starters, she has what you might call a well-developed chest. You know, she's got copious cleavage. The girl has quite a large rack. Do I have to spell it out? Her breasts are big.

Where was I? Oh yeah...

Basically, falling food has little or no chance of ever hitting her plate with those, er, assets running interference on the way down. And when you consider that she's usually quite mesmerized by whatever incredibly clever or witty thing I'm saying, it's not hard to see how morsels manage to escape her fork. Put it all together, and there you have 'em... Stains.

So, we were out tonight at a local restaurant... Nothing fancy, just your typical family place. We were both dressed quite casual, but her shirt was white, so a little "spillage" was inevitable. Actually, we made it through the majority of the meal without a mishap but, as she brought the fork up for her second last mouthful of creamy mashed potatoes, a sizeable dollop of rich roast gravy tore away and descended to the target area.

Of course, it was right about this time that the waitress came by to clean away our dishes, so my girlfriend was pinned in the booth, practically cowering behind the napkin clutched to her chest. She couldn't exactly make an inconspicuous dash to the bathroom with a dark brown blob on her ever-so-white shirt and someone standing over her. So...

Cuppojoe to the rescue!

I quickly excused myself from the table, made my way out the door, and went to the drug store next door. It took me 2 seconds to find what I was looking for: Tide To Go. Unfortunately, it took the cashier 5 minutes to do a return for the customer in front of me, and another 3 minutes to verify the $50 bill I handed her wasn't counterfeit. By the time I was finished, my girlfriend had somehow managed to pay for dinner (ain't she the greatest?) and get to the van. No matter. Even with the crisis over, I was still going to find out how well this stuffs worked.

I may have been dubious about Tide's claims but, a few dabs from the pen, a little rubbing, and... Bam! The stain was gone! It was unbelievable! Okay, so the spot didn't dry as fast as they show on TV, but so what? A wet spot on your shirt for a few minutes sure beats a big old stain that everyone will notice!

I'm sold. That little orange pen is absolutely brilliant. But don't just take my word for it, go out and get one. At the very least, you know it works on gravy. In fact, there's a fair-sized list on the package that outlines a whole range of stains the pen is good with. The only exceptions I noticed were blood and grease.

I guess all you mechanics and axe-murderers should probably just disregard this whole blog, then.

New Homeland Invasion... With Big Hair and Bangles

We've had it here in Canada for a few years, and now it's sweeping across the States with a vengeance. No, I'm not talking about Mad Cow Disease, although the effects can be disturbingly similar... Actually, it's the latest radio format fad to hit the airwaves... Jack FM.

"Playing What We Want" is the station's slogan, and they aren't kidding! While the rest of the dial is competing for listeners with Classic Rock, Oldies, Country, or Top 40, Jack refuses to give in to that pigeon-holing concept. Instead, they like to think of themselves as "diverse". In truth, you'll mostly hear pop hits from the 80's and early 90's, but it sure beats the worn-out repeats on the other stations...

Or does it?

I have to admit, being born in the early 70's and spending my most musically formative years in the 80's, I was initially thrilled when Jack came to Calgary. At last, I could listen to guys like Wham!, Mr. Mister, and The Thompson Twins without having to dust off my old cassette collection! Memories of awkward Jr. High dances where everyone just stood against the walls clumsily shuffling their feet came flooding back... It was awesome. Sure, some of the younger guys I worked with turned their noses up at it but, after having to endure over a decade of rap, I didn't have much sympathy.

The thrill faded, however. Since the majority of my music-listening happens while I am at work for 9-and-half hours a day, it didn't take long before I began to hear the same stuff over and over again. Or maybe all the songs just started to sound the same... Either way, it felt like I was stuck listening to an "All 80's" playlist on my computer.

Blasts from the past can be cool, but there are limits. I'd get a kick out of seeing a few re-runs of "The Six Million Dollar Man" or "Knight Rider", but to have to sit through Glenn A. Larson / Stephen J. Cannell era TV everyday would suck!

From what I've heard, the Jack Experience could be even worse for those of you south of the border... Down there, radio stations adopting the Jack format are letting their DJ's go. They claim today's mp3- and iPod-driven lifestyle demands that they cut out the useless chatter and do nothing but play music. For those of you who can't stand the same tired jokes from a guy who was never funny in the first place, this might sound like a good idea... but don't be so quick. It also means their won't be anyone to tell you the name of that awesome song that just played. You can also forget about things like traffic updates or community event announcements. And what about the morning shows, where the DJ humor is actually more important than the music? Gone.

I'm not saying you're not going to like Jack... I'm just warning you to not expect some great Radio Revolution. And definitely don't forget where the other stations are on your dial!

Now, who's up for a little "Safety Dance"?

What's With Our City Cops?

The other night, a friend of mine was driving home when he suddenly spotted the dreaded red-and-blue lights in his rear view mirror. Pulling over, he was informed that he had gone through a yellow light. So what, right?

Wrong. Apparently, that particular yellow light was worth $115.

My girlfriend witnessed another incident, this time involving a pedestrian crosswalk. As a person approached the corner and reached out to press the button that would activate the flashing lights, a car went through the intersection. At that moment, a police officer jumped out and pulled the car over. The offense? Passing a pedestrian at a crosswalk. And in this city, that carries a $500 penalty!

Now, don't get me wrong... I have a healthy respect for the law and those who enforce it, especially when it comes to traffic law. I think we all need to slow down, pay more attention to the road than our cellphones, and just generally try to get where we're going in one piece. But I have to draw the line when it comes to outright stupidity.

The last time I checked, the purpose of a yellow light was to alert motorists to the fact the light is about to turn red. It is a buffer between the green and the red that allows you to clear the intersection. If you can safely stop on the yellow, then do so. If not, continue through before it turns red. And these things are properly timed, too, so you should be able to do one or the other, unless you're speeding.

Now, if they're going to take away our buffer and require us to stop for yellow lights too, I think you're going to see a dramatic rise in rear-end collisions as people slam on their brakes to avoid a ticket.

Bottom line: You shouldn't be able to receive a ticket for running a yellow, only a red.

It's no different with the crosswalk... I agree there should be penalties for driving right past someone attempting to cross the street. I can't count the number of times I've stood at a corner, waiting for someone to take pity on me and allow me to cross. But when you're talking about controlled pedestrian crossings with the flashing lights, it's a different story. If the lights aren't flashing, you should be able to drive on through. Even if they start flashing and you don't have time to stop safely, you should carry on... The same as the yellow light.

On the flipside, I had an altogether different experience this weekend. There's a stretch of road where I live, called Deerfoot Trail. For those of you who aren't familiar with "The Calgary Autobahn", it's a 6-lane freeway that runs north and south through the city. The speed limit is 100km/h (60mph), but that is seldom paid any attention. I'm used to the speeding and I accept it as a normal part of driving Deerfoot.

This past weekend, however, things were completely out of hand. It wasn't just the usual 10 or 15 over the speed limit... It was people flying past me (I was doing about 110), drivers riding only a few feet off each others' bumpers, and one guy that decided to use the shoulder to pass. And guess what... Not a single cop in sight.

It looks like they don't mind handing out tickets for traffic violations, but they'd prefer it if the offenders came to them. So, I say we take away the useless cruisers and hand out lawn chairs so they can park themselves at intersections with coffee and donuts. It sure would ease the pressure on the budget!

Thank You... And Good Night

Miracle Flight 358

It's certainly not the best way to arrive in Toronto, but it could have been a lot worse.

All 309 passengers and crew of Air France Flight 358 are lucky to be alive today following yesterday's crash at Lester B. Pearson Airport. While attempting to land under severe weather conditions, the plane skidded off the end of the runway and plunged into a ravine, bursting into flames.

Black smoke billowed out and a number of explosions sent small fireballs skyward but Toronto Airport officials say that, in the 52 seconds it took rescue crews to arrive on-site, approximately three-quarters of the plane had already been evacuated. In just under 2 minutes, the craft was empty, with the co-pilot being the last to exit.

Although reports vary as to the number of people who sustained minor injuries (Air France claims 22 while Airport officials say 43), it's practically a miracle there was no loss of life in such a disastrous wreck.

The exact cause of the crash has yet to be determined, but the airport had been under a "red alert" all day due to a number of storm cells that passed through the area. Excessive windshear, or possibly a microburst, could have been a factor. Reports from survivors say that all the lights went out in the cabin just before touchdown, indicating a possible lightning strike. The black box will be recovered today.

On an ironic note, one airport staffer said yesterday that lightning may have caused problems with the airport's lightning detection system...

Huh?

Summer Vacation 2005Part IV: All's Well That Ends Well

I can see how you might get the impression that we had the most horrible holiday of our lives, based on my last few posts. In truth, aside from the Bellingham experience (that I will no longer mention unless I find a funny way to do so), we had a spectacular time. And we have the photos to prove it!

Between my newly acquired Minolta DiMage Z1 and my girlfriend's Fuji Finepix A201, we managed to snap off more than 600 shots over the course of 10 days. Naturally, most of them will never get made into prints or emailed out to family, but that's the beauty of digital photography, isn't it? You just keep shooting until you get what you want!

In true tourist fashion, we filled everyday with as much sight-seeing as we could handle. And, although the Vancouver area is absolutely packed with great attractions, it seemed like the best things for us were either off the beaten path, or simply nature itself. We had already done the Vancouver Aquarium the year before, so we decide to avoid that. I was initially quite excited about walking across the Capilano Suspension Bridge... That is, until I found out that they charge $26 per person for the priviledge of walking across said bridge. That's something I'll never do, on principle alone.

The B.C. Mining Museum, on the other hand, turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise. At first, I didn't think I'd be very interested in going to an abandoned copper mine to learn about... well... copper mining, but it was actually quite cool! The best part came at the end of the tour when we were shown how to pan for gold. Yours truly actually found a piece! I'd probably have to go back 1100 more times before I'd have enough to make a ring, but that's not the point. I found gold!

That same day, on our way back from the Mining Museum, we stumbled across a little park north of Vancouver that ended at the shore. We spent the better part of an hour there, just watching the waves, collecting rocks for our kids, and taking pictures of the boats as they went by. It just so happened that one of those passing boats was a B.C. Ferry, a vessel capable of carrying over 350 cars. My girlfriend was quite surprised to find out the size of the waves a ship like that can generate in its wake! It was just after she frantically scrambled up from the waters edge that we decided it was time to go.

In an ironic twist (if you've been reading this little series from the start), we ended up taking one of those very ferries over to Vancouver Island. we only stayed for one night, but it was relaxing to be away from the hustle and bustle of the Big City, even for so short a time. And it gave us a chance to do a little beachcombing in Parksville, just like the year before. Of course, we happened to pick a "protected" beach, so I had to make many surreptitious trips back to the van to drop off our illegal treasures. Seriously, who's going to miss a few seashells?

Before heading home to Calgary, we took one last stop in Hope, B.C. to visit my parents, and it's a good thing we did! There were so many things to see and do there... I never would have guessed! In our final day, we took in an Art Festival, saw some of the most amazing sand sculptures imaginable, and hiked up to Bridal Veil Falls. My girlfriend's ankle was extremely sore, but nothing could keep her from seeing that waterfall, let me tell you! If there's one thing that girl likes, it's waterfalls...

Now, we did a ton of other things during our 10 days, but it would probably take another 10 days just to write about them. Suffice it to say, we had an awesome holiday and can't wait for the next one!

Why does retirement have to be so far away?

Summer Vacation 2005Part III: Thar She Blows... I Think

After doing our "Rudest Tourist" impression at a local pub by insisting we get served as quickly as possible and shovelling some of the best food we've ever almost tasted down our throats, it was back to the boat to see if we could secure a good seat before the rest of the passengers returned. The weather had brightened up a bit, so we decided to risk sitting on the observation deck at the top, the spot everyone would be flocking to once we got to the whales anyway.

As we sat there, waiting for everyone else to board, the pride we felt at having staked out such an envious claim was only slightly marred but the realization we were with, without a doubt, the worst whale watching outfit in the harbor. Everywhere we turned there were beautiful boats filling up with people positively giddy with excitement. Some were decked out in bright orange jumpers, piling into an ultra-fast zodiac, while others took their places and sipped beverages on more spacious yachts with enormous viewing decks and energetic tour guides fanning the flames of anticipation.

Our boat had more an air of, "Crap. Here we go again." It was a mood that only soured further when the captain annouced where the whales had been spotted... near Bellingham. Essentially, this meant, in order to stay within the time constraints of the tour, we might make it to the whales and, if we did, we'd have only a couple minutes to see them before being forced to return.

Great.

To prevent you from feeling as miserable as we did, I'll cut to the chase now... It was absolutely freezing on that upper deck and the time just dragged by. When we finally arrived at the whales, it was obvious that all the other tour boats had been there for quite some time. We, on the other hand, had to turn around almost immediately to head back. We never got closer than about 500 feet to the whales, which was a far cry from the 5 foot proximity of last year. I tried to take photos, but quickly gave up in frustration as all I could get were blurry little black dots on the water. This is the best of the batch, and was only possible thanks to a 10x zoom:

During the remaining 4 hours of the cruise (2 hours back to Friday Harbor, then 2 more back to Bellingham), fate deciced to add injury to insult... We couldn't take the cold any longer on the upper deck and went below to find somewhere warmer. As we did, my girlfriend slipped on a worn spot on one of the stairs and came crashing down into the main cabin, badly spraining her ankle in the process. It was then that the captain discovered his First Aid kit consisted of about 3 Band-Aids, a pair of tweezers, and a roll of tape.

Needless to say, the rest of the way back to Bellingham was grueling, many of our plans for the rest of our holiday were dashed, and our money for the whale watching tour was fully refunded.

Now, whenever I have a brilliant idea that my girlfriend doesn't like, all she has to do is look me in the eye and say one word.

Bellingham.