Somebody Light a Fire Under Me

Maybe I'm still in vacation mode... Or maybe I'm having a hard time re-adjusting to my busy work schedule (I almost typed that with a straight face)... Either way, I'm finding it very difficult to get motivated enough to crop, resize, and post the many photos I took while we were in the Caribbean. Chana has practically been begging me to get it done, but I'm still no more than halfway through.

So, this morning I posted a batch of pictures to my Cuppojoe's Trips Flickr account. Hopefully this little sample will buy me enough time to get the rest done...

Enjoy!

Putting the "Ass" in Mass Transit

Can someone explain to me what is with public transportation in this city? I mean, seriously, can it get much worse? Sure, taking the bus isn't supposed to be as convenient as driving your own car, but it really shouldn't make you wish you were walking the entire distance either!

This has been bothering me for quite a while, but I think I'm getting close to the boiling point, so I better get it off my chest. You see, I ride the bus to and from work everyday. I don't live terribly far from work, maybe 15 minutes by car, but I also need to drop off my daughter at her caregiver's house each morning, then pick her up on my way home, too. And I use the term "on my way" loosely because, in truth, I actually have to go out of my way to get there. But that's no big deal... I just wish I could say the same for the buses.

In the morning, it's not so bad. We catch a bus practically right outside our back door that takes us to within a 2 block walk of the caregiver's house. From there, I walk for another 5 minutes to catch an express bus toward the downtown core. I get off quite a way's away from downtown, though, and transfer to one of the crosstown buses that goes right past my warehouse. All in all, it takes about 40 minutes for the whole trip. Like I said, not so bad.

Then there's the ride home.

I catch the crosstown bus heading the other way after work. Of course, this bus is always late... usually by 10 minutes or more. Once, it was over 45 minutes late because it (and about 3 buses behind it) got stuck at a train crossing. Can you believe that? Here, in the "big city", one train managed to cripple a major bus route. Am I the only person who thinks this is ludicrous? Oh, and did I mention this bus is always packed, standing room only? Nothing quite like standing shoulder to shoulder with a busload of people who have had the entire day to work up some powerful body odor, let me tell you! Luckily, I only need to stay on it for about 15 minutes.

Then I transfer to an express bus back to within a 5-minute walk of my caregiver's house. Sometimes this bus is packed, sometimes it's empty. Sometimes it is on schedule, sometimes I don't see a bus forever and then 3 pull up at the same time. I can never figure out what the variables are that affect this behavior, because it seems entirely random. Anyway, that leg of the trip lasts another 20 minutes or so and I can finally pick up my daughter.

Now, here's where the real fun begins.

I live only about 4 minutes away from the caregiver, by car. By bus, it's a totally different story. There's one that goes right by the house, but always cruises by 4 or 5 minutes early, making me miss it every time. You see, it's the last run for that particular driver, and he seems to like getting off work a tad early. Lucky him. There's also a bus 2 blocks away (the same one we take together in the morning, but going the other way). This one would be perfect... if it ever came. As it turns out, this particular neighborhood happens to be the "end of the line" for many of the rush hour buses. What does that mean, you are wondering? It means that lots of buses bring people home to that neighborhood, but none travel back. Lucky me.

In all, my trip home from work takes about an hour and half.

Now, as I was riding one of the packed buses after work today, the bus driver made a little speech... He told everyone who was tired of the buses being late and overcrowded to call Calgary Transit and complain. Sure, good idea, but it's why he told us to do this that really got my attention... He said, "Because they don't do anything when us bus drivers tell them about the problems."

What the...?

I'm outraged! I have half a mind to take that driver's advice, call the transit people up, and give them a piece of my mind. Oh... wait. I've already done that. Their answer to my comments about the poorly planned after work schedules? They said they'd look into it before the new schedules were assigned... which has actually happened 6 times since then, but the problems are the same.

Oh yeah, and they raised the fares.

Great Way to Start the Day

The morning routine in my house starts pretty early... around 5 am for me and about 5:30 for my 6 year old daughter. Since our landlord lives directly above us and doesn't get up as early as we do, I've taught my little one to be especially quiet until we leave for work and daycare. So, this morning, as I was applying pineapple-scented pliable molding creme to my hair shaving my incredibly manly beard, her sudden cries of, "Daddy! Daddy!" brought me running.

Expecting the worst, I rushed out of the bathroom, prepared to tackle whatever calamity had caused her to be so uncharacteristically noisy first thing in the morning. "Daddy, look!" she said, pointing to her cereal bowl.

There, floating in the remaining milk, were the last few bits of her Cap'n Crunch, arranged to form a perfect smiley face. She was practically beaming with pride.

You know what? So was I.

Sunday Spotlight: DMC & Me

What better time to do a Sunday Spotlight than 16 weeks after the last one? Sixteen seems like a nice, round number...

If you were a teenager in the 80's and, more importantly, a teenage boy in the 80's, then you probably had dreams of owning a Delorean, running it up to 88 mph, and laying down two strips of fire as you propelled yourself back to the moment in time when you decided to watch "Airwolf" instead of studying for your Social Studies test.

(Much better than going back in time to watch your parents make out for the first time... Bleech!)

Although some of us lose sight of our childhood dreams, there are a rare few who don't. Rarer still are those who actually make those dreams come true. And one of those guys just happens to be the star of this week's spotlight, Martini from DMC & Me.

(Not a bad set-up, eh?)

Okay, so he hasn't managed to travel through time... yet. But he's already acquired the most crucial element: a 1981 Delorean DMC-12. How sweet is that? And I say, "yet" because he's already managed to construct the famed Flux Capacitor! How totally frickin' sweet is that?!?

Seriously though, I found Martini's blog through Chana, who has been a faithful reader for quite some time now, ever since she discovered he's also one of the writers over at Useless Advice from Useless Men. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I decided to expand my little blog-reading horizons a bit, and figured a good start would be one that she's already given her stamp of approval. So, off I went.

Now, I've only made it a few months into the archives, but I'm already loving this blog. Not only is Martini funny in a sharp wit sort of way, but his posts tend to border on actual "informativeness" without ever leaving you with the feeling that you've just read a brochure or product manual. And most of it is stuff we can all relate to, which is something that can't be said for many blogs! Sure, he knows and writes a lot about cars (not just his beloved Delorean), but he never goes over your head with it.

And it's not all about cars, either... In his own words (because plagarism is the lazy man's creativity), Martini's blog is "Not exclusively DeLorean-related, Blogs include stories, information, and things of varying levels of interest", which is great because I think we all experience varying levels of interest from time to time.

So, go check out DMC & Me while I start scanning the Auto Trader for a 1982 Trans Am I can outfit with auto-pilot and turbo boost...

Apocalypse Never?

They're everywhere. They're on our desks, in our cars, and, in some cases, even inside our bodies. They've been around less than a hundred years, in comparison to our supposed 100,000+ years, yet we've already reached a point where living without them is almost unimaginable. They keep track of our money, help us stay in touch, and even record TV shows they think we'd like to see.

But computers will never rule the world.

We'll never have to worry about an army of Terminators methodically wiping out the human race. We're not going to end up as human batteries, blissfully ignorant of our enslavement in a virtual reality. And we won't even have to consider resisting assimilation into a race of cyborgs. It's just not going to happen.

How do I know this? Is it because humans are more adaptive than machines? Or because we can reproduce relatively quickly and inexpensively? Or maybe because something as "simple" as common sense is too difficult to program in a machine? Sure, but I arrived at my conclusion in a much more personal way. Here's the breakdown:

I rock at Unreal Tournament. You set the difficulty of that game at whatever level you want, in any match mode, and I will kick ass. I'll side-step oncoming rockets like they were old ladies with walkers... I'll spin around corners, dropping enemies before they even see me... And I'll capture enough flags to end the game before the enemy even reaches my base. I've done it hundreds of times already, and I'm sure I'll do it hundreds of more times. Like I said, I rock at Unreal Tournament. The game even tells me I'm "Godlike!"

Of course, that's if I'm playing against computer opponents... Once I go online, any 14 year old kid living off of Coke and Doritos in his mother's basement can pwn my ass in about 16 seconds.

So, forget about SkyNet achieving awareness and nuking the planet. I'm more worried about the day little Johnnie finally figures out how to use a belt, gets a job, and becomes the leading target demographic.

Heaven help us.

The Caribbean in a Nutshell

You'd think, having recently come back from a vacation that involved 4 airplanes, 1 cruise ship, 4 cities, 3 islands, and more spent dollars than I'm willing to think about right now, that I'd have enough blog material to keep me going for a while... And you'd be right. So why, then, has it been a full week since I sent foot once again on Canadian soil and I haven't written a single word? Good question.

I was chatting about this very topic just this morning with my good buddy Napfisk, trying to figure out the cause for my lack of blogging. In the end, what I came up with was this: I've got enough stories to thoroughly bore each and every one of you six times over. I know if I were to write about everything that's spinning around in my head right now, it would be like forcing you all sit through 17 carousels of vacation slides... So, who's in?

Yeah, that's what I thought...

All right, so what I've decided to do (for now, at least) is just give you little glimpses of the trip. I figure you'll get a good enough idea of how incredibly awesome it was and, as Napfisk mentioned, I'll still have plenty of unshared material for future anecdotes.

The Flight to Miami

• Turbulence makes Chana think the plane is going to fall out of the sky, but lulls me to sleep like a baby in a cradle.
  
• Chicago's O'Hare airport (our one stop-over) doesn't seem very big, until you go looking for a quick bite other than McDonald's.
  
• No matter how hot and humid it feels inside Miami International at 10:30 at night, it's nothing compared to the blast of wet heat that hits you the second you step outside.

Chilling with the Family

• Nicaraguan food is unpronounceable, but delicious.
  
• Chana doesn't like to share things that are unpronounceable but delicious.
  
• Never trust Chana to teach you Spanish... She tried to get me to comment on her Grandma's butt as a way of saying "thank you". (I'll stick with "gracias")
  
• As embarrassing as this is to admit, a lot of Miami looked familiar from my many hours of playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. (I guess those guys at Rockstar Games deserve a few kudos)

The Cruise Ship

• Cruise lines should not serve alcohol prior to the Coast Guard-regulated, ship-wide safety drill.
  
• Even on a 952-foot, 110,000 tonne vessel, you will feel the effects of 8-foot swells.
  
• First-time cruisers are easy to spot... we were the ones spending the first 2 days aboard sticking our heads out of the elevator, looking back and forth, then saying, "Damn."
  
• People will look at you funny if the pianist in the main lounge begins playing the Titanic theme song at your request. (Chana bought him a drink for his trouble)
  
• Reading two blogs and checking one bank account costs a little over $30US via satellite high speed internet.
  
• When treating yourselves to a fancy 5-course meal (formal wear required), 2 glasses in is a bad time to ask the price of a bottle 1996 Dom Perignon. ($169US, in case you're similarly curious)

Nassau, Bahamas

• Women, you will be solicited to have your hair braided "island-style" at least every forty feet as you walk through town.
  
• The ferry that takes passengers to the Dolphin Encounter at Blue Lagoon is located a brisk 15-minute walk from the Cruise Ship. Said ferry passes within 100 feet of said Cruise Ship on its way to Blue Lagoon...
  
• Feeding, kissing, hugging, and dancing with a dolphin is cool.
  
• A poorly-made VHS tape of you feeding, kissing, hugging, and dancing with a dolphin is expensive.
  
• My shirtless body can be used to set the white-balance on a Handicam.

St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands

• A 32 square mile island is not big enough for 50,000 people plus tourists.
  
• Americans should never, ever drive on the left-hand side of the road.
  
• You've entered a whole new world when you visit a place with the need for public signs stating, "Please Don't Feed the Iguanas".
  
• Disposable cameras rated as "Water-proof to 30 feet" may not become water-logged during a helmet dive 20 feet below the waves, but they may not actually operate at the pressures of that depth either.
  
• A sea turtle swimming by has the ability to make Chana fill the inside of her helmet with tears of joy.
  
• Paying $90+ each to visit Coral World Ocean Park, being taken there an hour and a half before the staff leave for the day, and needing an hour of that time for the orientation and helmet dive is just plain bad planning on the part of the Shore Excursion Team.

St. Maarten, Dutch West Indies

• Women, you will be solicited to have your hair braided "island style" here, too... and they'll practically chase you down if you try to avoid them!
  
• The shops here are a haggler's paradise.
  
• Some of the best stores can be found down little alleys, away from the main streets.
  
• The water is clear, green, and absolutely awesome to swim in.
  
• The creator of Yoda is not much bigger than the Jedi Master himself.
  
• There are more kinds of rum available in St. Maarten than I ever would have dreamed existed.

Coming Home

• Parting truly is such sweet sorrow (just ask Chana).
  
• The initials for Miami International Airport are a little disconcerting, especially when they're emblazoned with a black jetliner everywhere you turn.
  
• The Boeing 777 is fast and relatively comfortable, even in coach.
  
• The airport at Dallas / Ft. Worth (our one stop-over) is big, by any definition.
  
• Boarding a plane for Dallas consists of a lot of pushing and shoving. Boarding a plane for Calgary consists of a lot of, "No, no... You first. I insist." (You can draw your own conclusions)
  
• If you pack all the gifts in a red suitcase, and plan to open that suitcase in front of 5 kids as soon as you get home, make sure you grab your red suitcase from the Baggage Claim. It will save you much disappointment and a trip back to the airport.

As you can see, there are a few stories in there, to be sure. And who knows? I might even get around to writing a couple of them for you... Some day. For now, though, suffice it to say we had an incredible vacation and can't wait to do it all over again next year!

P.S. I took a little over 300 photos. I'll post a few for you soon.