I Have The Most Average Child

Last Friday was the day that children everywhere dread. It was also the day that parents everywhere look forward to with an evil little smile and the wringing of hands in a very 1950's B-movie mad scientist sort of way. I'm speaking, of course, about Report Card Day.

(insert creepy pipe organ music here)

The last time report cards came home, I was sure that I was going to open the envelope to find out that my little girl wasn't only a genius, but that she was the most genius-est kid they had ever seen. "Light-years ahead of the rest!" and, "Mind-bogglingly brilliant!" would surely be just a couple of the glowing comments.

Okay, maybe I was a tad over-optimistic...

What I saw was a veritable parade of "3's" right down both pages of her Report Card. I don't know how they score kids where you are, but apparently the "Scale from 1 to 5" method is preferred in my neck of the woods. So, "3" being the absolute middle-ground between a failing "1" and Beautiful Mind "5", it appeared that my daughter was dead average... in all 38, count 'em, 38 categories.

My first reaction was to proclaim her teacher too lazy to put an effort into the report. I wanted to get in touch with every other parent so we could compare just how little effort was put in on the rest of the reports. I wanted to take the papers and wave them in the principal's face, demanding the teacher's immediate expulsion from the school and teaching in general.

In the end, I tried a more sane approach and went to the Parent-Teacher Interview.

I was assured that the reason for all those "3's" was that the students had not yet done enough testing to produce definitive grading results. She told me that my daughter was doing fine and not struggling at all. She promised I would see more accurate grading in the next Reporting Period.

So, it came as no little shock when I saw a second column of "3's" when I opened the latest Report Card. Now I'm livid.

Maybe my kid isn't the next Einstein. For starters, she has way better hair... But I know that it's impossible for her to be average in every single way that our illustrious school board has decided to evaluate our children. Like every other kid out there, she has her strengths, and she has her weaknesses. I see them, so why hasn't her teacher made the same observations?

What good does it do to "gloss over" a Report Card? There's no way to tell what she needs to work harder on, or where I should be giving her praise for a job well done. And what's going to happen next year when she gets a teacher who actually gives a crap about the job (my fingers are already crossed), and it turns out that my little girl is behind everyone else in some fundamental area? Who pays? My kid, that's who.

I can tell you one thing: There will definitely be a phone call to the principal tomorrow. Will I speak with him rationally about my concerns with a member of his staff? Or will I snap and "go off", making a fool of myself? Right now, folks, it's a 50-50.

Stay tuned...

Photo of the Week: Treasure in the Trees

I've been saving this one for a while... A shady forest setting along with a slow shutter speed made for a great shot just below Bridal Veil Falls, near Chilliwack, BC.
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Get Ready to Kiss Prince Edward Island Good-Bye

That's right... It looks like our beloved little potato-producing province's days are numbered. I sure hope Anne of Green Gables knows how to swim...

According to the "experts", and by that I mean those select individuals who appear to get some weird kick out of analyzing weather patterns, Canada is currently experiencing the warmest winter on record. In fact, they go so far as to point out that 35 of the last 36 seasons (I'll save you doing the math and tell you that amounts to almost 9 years) have been warmer than average.

It's Global Warming, people! Let the mass-panic begin! Better stock up on End-of-the-World supplies now! I saw "The Day After Tomorrow"... I know how this goes down.

Okay, okay... That's not really me. I'm no where near being that much of an extremist. To be honest, when I saw that movie, that wonderful piece of cinematic excellence, that veritable buffet for the senses (seriously, we have to work on your grasp of sarcasm...) Anyway, when I endured "The Day After Tomorrow", and I saw all that snow and ice blanketing New York City, my first thought was, "Man! They better plug in their cars tonight!"

Regardless of my level-headed approach to this "news", though, you just know there are a bunch of crackpots who are more than eager to hold it up as "proof" that the end is near and that mankind only has itself to blame. Our flagrant use of hairspray in the 80's has angered Mother Nature and she's about to get her revenge...

On a much more serious note (unusual for me, I know)... For anyone interested in a little perspective on this subject, I would highly recommend Michael Crichton's novel, "State of Fear". While it is a work of fiction, Crichton has not only based much of it on factual articles, journals, and the like, but has taken the time to footnote these references where possible. The story itself is a definite eye-opener, to be sure.

Give it a try... Besides, what else are you going to do when the power goes out?

Withdrawl Sucks!

I had no idea I was addicted as I apparently am...

For once, I'm not talking about coffee. Although, truth be told, I don't see how anyone has the right to judge my deep and abiding love of the greatest drink ever as an "addiction". That implies I return to the Fount of Caffeinated Heaven time and again out of need, rather than want. Believe me, it's a want.

Oh boy, is it a want!

But, as I said, this isn't about that. I'm referring, instead, to the Internet... The World Wide Web, as it were... This global collection of computers, inextricably bound together by high-speed and dial-up connections alike. And, for what seems like longer than I can remember, I have been a part of all this... One small link in the greater chain... A daily commuter on the Information Super Highway... A surfer on the electro-charged waves of Cyberspace.

And not a bad metaphorist either, I might add.

Okay, on to the meat and potatoes of this working man's entrée...

My cable modem packed it in Saturday evening. Dead. The only warnings I had were a couple dropped connection hiccups... the final death-throes, yet unbeknownst to me. I tried my darndest to revive the little sucker, though... checked the cables, rebooted the system, rebooted the router, rebooted the modem, checked the cables again, struggled with tech support. In the end, I called the time of death at 5:25pm. As luck would have it, my ISP's customer service closed at 5:30, meaning I'd have to wait until the next day for a replacement.

Of course, there wasn't anything I needed to do on the 'net for those 21 hours, 32 minutes, and 7 seconds (roughly), but as soon as I wasn't able to get on, I wanted to get on. Did I have email? Was there a clever comment to one of my less-then-clever blog posts? Was it cold outside? I don't trust just stepping outside... these things can be very local, you know.

I was cut off from the world, people, and I didn't like it! Not one bit, I tell you!

Thankfully, once the new modem was home... I've named him Herb, by the way... Anyway, once Herb was home, and everything was back to normal, I let out a sigh of relief and "got connected" once again. Of course, no new email, no comments, and it really was cold beyond my back porch.

It figures.

It Would Seem That I'm "It"

I had this brilliant idea for a post today, and even got half-way through composing it in my mind. That was when I noticed that somebody had decided to tag me. Okay, in the spirit of the game then, here we go:

Four Jobs I've Had:

1. Chimney Sweep Solicitor
2. Water Salesman
3. Assistant Stage Manager / Sound Operator
4. Building Operator

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over:

1. Goodfellas
2. Garden State
3. Can't Buy Me Love (don't judge me...)
4. The Matrix (especially the lobby shoot 'em up!)

Four Places I’ve Lived:

1. 160-acre farm 7 miles northwest of Cremona, Alberta
2. Cedar by the Sea, Vancouver Island, BC (I saw killer whales out my front window... seriously!)
3. All four corners of Calgary, Alberta at one time or another
4. My mother's couch (good old college poverty, eh?)

Four TV Shows I Love(d):

1. Six Million Dollar Man
2. Knight Rider
3. Scrubs (by far the best sitcom ever!)
4. Hockey Night in Canada (did you expect any less?)

Four Places I've Holidayed:

1. Yellowstone National Park
2. Kelowna, BC (still haven't spotted the Ogopogo, though)
3. Mexico
4. Right here at home

Four of My Favorite Dishes:

1. Coffee Cups (of course)
2. Cereal Bowls
3. Plates
4. Gravy Boats

Four Sites I Visit Daily:

1. MSNBC.com
2. The Weather Network
3. Gmail
4. My company's web-based Inventory Tracking Program (only because I'm paid to...)

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

1. In line to cash my paycheque
2. Sleeping
3. Getting my photo taken with a giant make-believe cheque for winning the Lotto 6/49
4. Sleeping

Four Bloggers I'm Tagging:

1. Chana (known to most who visit my site as "Me"... My gf who has just started her own blog)
2. Torfeida (because it has been far too quite Down Under lately)
3. T (because I love his perspective on life)
4. Napfisk (because an informative mind like his must have some interesting answers)

Photo of the Week: Life's a Beach

Just one of many "gnarly" sights on the beaches of Parksville, BC.
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I Should Do It More Than Twice Every Couple Decades

Okay, look... I was in college at the time, and it only happened once... All right, twice, but no more than that, I swear. Come on, the guy was definitely the experimental type, very experienced, and knew I'd be totally into it once I gave it a try... I just had to trust him. Boy, am I glad I did! My only regret is that it hasn't happened again in the 15 years since.

If you've made it this far without lunging for the Close Window button in a homophobic panic, you're about to be either pleasantly relieved to find out that I haven't gone all "Brokeback Blog" on you, or terribly disappointed if you were expecting a sordid tale of man-on-man action.

(Wow, I almost lunged for the Close Window button after typing those last four words!)

Sorry, cowboys... I'm actually talking about the two times that my college roommate (whom I'll call "Ron"... because that was his name) made mix tapes for me. Okay, maybe that didn't sound very heterosexual either, but stay with me for a minute and it will all make sense... I promise.

When I say Ron was experienced and experimental, I'm talking about music. He had the most massive collection of records, tapes, and CDs I had ever heard of, he practically lived in HMV, and he was always into the hottest new music before it even became the hottest new music. He used to come home with a new CD, invariably by somebody that no one else in the household had ever heard of, lock himself in his bedroom, slap on his big Sony headphones, and play it over and over and over until he knew the whole thing front to back, inside out. Then he'd come out, go straight to the big stereo, and dub the disc to cassette so he could listen to it in the car. Once that was done, he'd give the rest of us his review, telling us if the artist would "make it" or not, and which songs would be hits. And you know what? He was almost always right.

Before I met Ron, I was stuck in High School, musically speaking. It was the early 90's, a time of some great alternative bands (that's alternative with a lower-case 'a', when it wasn't just a cooler sounding label than 'Pop') and awesome new sounds, but I was deaf to it because I wasn't adventurous enough to leave George Michael's "Faith" or INX's "Kick" behind.

Sad.

But Ron was a good guy... He knew a buddy in need of new tunes when he saw one. And so, he made me a couple of cassettes that introduced me to a bunch of new stuff. Well, some of it was actually old stuff, but it was new to me, and I loved it all.

For the first tape, he shuffled through piles of LPs and jewel cases, setting some aside, saying, "Oh! You'll like this!". Most of the songs on that one were completely new to me... Some Screaming Blue Messiahs, the Pixies, a little Big Audio Dynamite... All oldies now, but exactly the fresh sound I was looking for back then. I called that tape "Oh! You'll Like This!!! (The Force-Fed Mix)".

The second tape was a little different, but no less spectacular. It featured bands like The Housemartins, the Posies, They Might Be Giants, and The Mighty Lemon Drops. What made it great, though, was the amount of tracks that actually came off of honest-to-goodness records. Great sound, with just a hint of that vinyl hiss, pop, and crackle... Very cool. And I remember him waving me out of his way and telling me not to walk around when he had an LP on, or it might skip. So I ended up calling that tape "Steppin' Lightly Past the Vinyl (The One-Skip Mix)".

Like I said, that was 15 years ago now. I have gone 15 years without a knowledgeable, adventurous musical influence to get me excited about slappin' on the old headphones. I've had to make do with radio airplay and its pathetic parade of Classic Rock and cookie-cutter groups that are no more original than a 3-piece cover band at your local pub (yeah, I'm talking about you, Nickleback). That is, until last weekend...

I was doing a little blog surfing last Saturday and, no surprise if you know me, I went on over to the Zach Braff Blog (see "Daily Reads" in my sidebar) for a long overdue look-see. And what do you think good old Zach had chosen to talk about in his latest entry? Yep, music. Specifically, an up-and-coming artist by the name of Joshua Radin. Obviously this was a sign, right? Like Ron was speaking to me again, this time through the online writing of a celebrity neither of us have, or likely ever will, meet. Some crazy, cosmic tie that... Oh, fine... It was a coincidence. But it got me thinking.

I surfed a bit more and, long story short, ended up downloading... er... I mean, legitimately and legally purchasing about 40 tracks or so from one of the seasons of Scrubs, including 3 by Mr. Radin himself. And I gotta say, they are awesome! As I sat back and let my mp3 player do its thing, I got the same chills that my 2 mix tapes used to give me. At last!

I'm now definitely ready to explore some new musical horizons again, and I'm going to start by "legitimately and legally purchasing" some more stuff along the Zach Braff-y and Scrubs-y line... And, hey! If any of you have recommendations for stuff I just have to hear, drop me a comment or email and I'll try to check it out.

See, that was pretty heterosexual after all, wasn't it?